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I'm trying to listen to the cricket.''Mr Michael Mouse - you stand before me accused of buggery - how do you plead? ''Oh see my testimony, it was an easy mistake - I thought you said tedticles!

''What do you mean "contempt of court" you jug-eared Twat? 'M x Thankfully I always mention to anyone new to me, that the ok I use for massaging their privates are pure almond..a little precaution I've always taken - often met with a blank stare & yes that's good.

This blog is not addressed to my regular gents - or most newbies, but to the rude 'newboys' who ring or text with these delightful openers:'You available? I nonetheless deserve common courtesy, manners maketh man.

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Some of the loveliest men I have met, are hardly Mr Depp in the looks department but I value their visits and though attractive - I am hardly Julia Roberts or Angelina Jolie!

M x These are unlikely things to hear in a courtroom.

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